Highs & Lows

Worst Mother Award!

2006-07-07T23:23:00.000-04:00

Yup, I fucked up. I was working on my laptop, my part time job and stef kept complaining that she was bored... I wouldnt let her on the ocmputer or watch tv and finally she just stood up and screamed something like "it's my birthday and you FORGOT!!" and as she ran up the stairs she screamed "I know you hate me..!" oh god, It took a second for me to move and then I ran up after her and we both fell to her bed. After I bawled my 'I;m sorrys' she did the same. So all in all it worked out okay and we held eachother for many minutes. It was kind of nice. Not that I want to go through all that again to get a hug.

I remembered this morning that it was her birthday but then kind of forgot as the day went by and then I was mad after I picked her up. Ugh, We celebrated her birthday Sunday and Monday and she got her presents.I dont know how I couldve been so fucking stupid.

Hurt

2006-07-07T21:33:00.000-04:00

I am hurting so much right now and I do want to just die. I am so tired of this constant struggle to try to be happy. This has been a bad week with the kids and I just lost it. I want to put my feelings down while they are still fresh in my mind.

Zane never wants to come home because "Daddy never makes me take a bath" and "daddy doesnt make me go to bed at 10" and on and on and on. Tonight I dropped him off at Rick's with Alicia while drove to pick up Stef at camp. On the way home Alicia called so I asked her to have her Dad drop him off in 10 minutes when I got home. Sometimes he does stay there Friday nights and then I pick him up Saturday morning because Rick is working (he just stays with Alicia). While tomorroe morning Alicia is leaving at 7am for a horse show. Zane was so mad when he got here, he wouldnt get out of the truck and he expected me to pick him up at 7am. I had already been upset for over an hour with Stef (more below) so I had no patience, I gave him two warnings and then physically drug him out of the truck. He continued to cry for over a half hour until he was hungry and wanted food. Even though it is 9pm and he said his dad took him to McD's.

Steph went to camp Wednesday and I drove her and her friend over an hour away. The friends mom was busy so she couldnt drive. I bought Stef stuff for camp: flashlight, camera, bug spray, etc.... When I dropped her off I barely got a good bye from her and when I asked for a hug, I got her back. okay... Well tonight when I picked her up she wasnt even happy to see me and when I asked how the camp was, I got nothing. When I tried again I got total attitude so I just dropped it and cried all the way home. No talking at all. I had to drive her friend home as well. I remember when I went to camp, I talked abuot camp the minute I saw my mom until I was out of things to talk about, hours later!

After we got home and got zane out of the truck, we all came in the house and Rick and Alicia started asking Stef about camp. All they got were one word answers, yes, no, yes, no... just rude. I can understand that she is probably tired but this attitude is typical all the time. After I made the ham we sat at the table and when I was done I let them know how I felt. I started with Stef and told her how she has hurt my feelings and explained why I felt that way. Then I told Zane the same thing. Well they both started crying and now Stef is in the closet and Zane is still at the table ignoring me.

I am thisclose to telling them that if they want to move with their dad, go. It hurts so much to constantly feel this way. I know that is a horrible idea because they need the consistancy I provide here. I have talked to Rick before about having NO rules at his house and how it affects life here and he promised to try harder. This is why I no longer live there. But it doesnt help any more unless the kids arent there for days.

Just dealing with life these days is getting harder and I really wonder why I even try so hard. Alicia is still herself, she always says love you but she still doesnt spend anymore time with me. I usually have to ask her to come over to if her Dad isnt around to take her anywhere. I know it is more convenient for her to just continue her life as simply as possible. I just hate that me moving out has put this huge rift between me and my kids. I feel like I am always the worst mom ever and maybe I am?

Alone again on the 4th of July

2006-07-03T20:21:00.000-04:00

I have no plans. I dont have the kids. I knew it was coming but didnt realize I would care this much. 2 blocks away at the park will be fireworks soon and I will not be there because I dont want to go alone. As I was saying, I was okay with this earlier in the week but as the night was coming on I remembered another 4th of July I was alone.

I was 15 years old and working as a waitress at a small cafe and was scheduled to work the 5-7 dinner shift. My Mom was going to the lake with my step-dad and siblings leaving before I went to work. When the step-siblings asked why I wasnt going I told them because I had to work, we asked my mom if she would wait until 7:00 when I got done but she didnt want to get there that late, it was about an hour drive. Since it was a holiday I had to take a cab home and if I remember correctly the cafe was completly dead and I didnt make anything in tips. I was alone for three days and lonely as hell. I dont know why at this point in my life I was friendless but I obviously was.

I think tonight just brought out all the memories of the times I was alone as a kid when my Mom was putting her men before her kids. We spent a lot of weekends home alone before and after she hooked up with my stepdad, probably from when I was 13 and up. Some weekends I did have fun with friends though so it wasnt all bad. But looking back I hate that she left me alone so much.

I need to get my brain in order and start looking for a life and more friends.

I need to go to work and get some food (I'm starving!) but if I leave I will probably lose my parking spot. I should also clean because I have SO much to do but I just dont have any ambition to clean, at all.

I am not going to cry tonight anymore.

Drunk

2006-06-30T22:49:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am drunk and being drunk has driven me to post about my shitty life. I am lonely and I hate it, Sometimes I think I would have been better off never moving out and being miserable there at least I wouldve looked happy and content instead of actually proving that no one else out there wants me. I swear I will be alone forever. There is one man I do like and think maybe it could work. One problem? He had dated like my only friend and it didnt work out, he basically dum ped her. Aand even though that she has moved on and is seeing someone else, she isnt over him and she wont be for a long time and never would be okay with me ever datinf him.

Mayve someday I will either die or be happy. I got an appt with my dr for a month from now (ya) hopefuly I can get more drugs to make me feel better about myself and my life since now it looks completely hopeless. I just need to feel loved. truly loved. and i doubt it will eve rhappen.

Just Another Manic Monday

2006-06-12T20:35:00.000-04:00

Wow, I guess it's been awhile since I have been here.

I am so tired of trying to make life work, should it really be this difficult to be happy? I guess when Rick said I would never be happy, he was right. I sometimes look at my life and am so happy at where I am and other times I just dont even want to move, just stay in bed for days.

I always felt I needed to get rid of the stress in my life to be happy but I am finding that when I do that I have nothing left, no one. I just dont even know what to type here anymore without everything I saw being repetative so I will just jot down what has happened lately.

I saw this morning in my email that Rick has started to look for women on the sex site, even put up pictures! None of his face, he used an actors, and the pictures wont get larger than an inch to see if it is him. I dont know how it could be because he doesnt know how to get pictures off a digital camera and he would have to use Alicia;s to do it. Ack, he better not have! Tonight I saw he made a profile on a regular dating site and had sent me a ton of messages/emails. One even said to meet him in the mall at a certain place. I know he knew it was me by things I had put in the profile but I dont think he knew that I would know it was him. What pissed me off is that I hadnt logged into that site in many months but it showed me as logging in recently. No way, no how. Not to say I havent been looking, it has been over a year, but I just havent seen anything worth it and I doubt I am ready or will be anytime soon. The first site was as crude as I remembered it and his messages to people about made me sick. Ugh.

I fired my sister today from babysitting, it was hard to do and I am glad it's over. I did it over email which I know is totally cowardly but I didnt want to get into an argument and have to argue about shit that I feel strongly about. Z will start at his new sitters next Monday, R was off last week and will be this week also.

I am also starting to think that I am not depressed but I am manic. My moods are all over the place and I am wonderful at flying off the handle and totally letting go. I need to get back to my doctor but I keep putting the phone call off like everything else I put off in my life. I so wish I could just snap out of it but I dont know how to.

Yah, it's been awhile

2006-05-12T20:17:00.000-04:00

Everything has been just fine lately. Not perfect, just fine. Spring was here and it was so nice to be outside, now comes the rain for the next 10 days. Blah!

Well I fell apart a little today. After work I called Alicia to see if Stef was there and to see what Alicia was doing this weekend. She answered the phone sounding asleep/crabby so that converstation didnt get far because she wouldnt wake up. Why was she sleeping at 5pm? I dont know either.

I get to my sisters and Stef comes running to the van pounding on the window because the door was still locked. When she opened the door she screamed that she forgot her BS was picking her up at 4:30 and she was devastated that she missed it. I gave her my cell and she called her and they rescheduled for Tuesday.

She said she got to her Dad's after school and saw the electricity was off and found out that Rick didnt pay the bill. Imagine that? I wasnt shocked but I was upset. Things like that just bring back so many bad memories. Now if I had still lived there I wouldve had to use the $260 bonus check I just received plus drain my checking account to nothing until payday next Friday and wonder how I would eat and get gas. I dont understand how he cant manage his money better. Stef then tells me she saw a canoe she thinks he bought!! Fucker. I accidently made a remark aloud the kids heard or I guess I meant for them to hear and to answer, "do you guys understand now why I had to move?" Bad, yes I know that and I usually try not to. Stef said she has always knows and she feels we are better off now and how she remembers when she was younger we were never able to go out to eat or just get fast food. Well that made me feel good and bad, yes I can take them out to eat but no i dont have them time too much to cook. Ooops, I should work on that.

I got home and it was bothering me to high hell about the canoe. I was suppose to call his sister yesterday to tell her how my appt went (I will get into that later) but I forgot. I updated her and then just kind of threw the question in as an afterthought if she knew about it. She didnt. THen she went on a tirade that he called their Dad wanting his credit card number to pay the over $400 due on the bill to get it turned back on. She was fucking livid. She makes little money and she has always had to depend on herself while her Dad is constantly giving the other sister money and now Rick. She said it's gas money all the time. Fucking crazy. He makes good money, I dont understand why he cant budget better. So we bitched back and forth for quite awhile I cried and got upset all over again and she sympathized with me and it felt so good to just talk to her all about it. But now I am reliving everything and it fucking hurts. I wanted to make this work.

What timing, he just called. I questioned him all about the bills and of course he made everything sound just fine and dandy. There were no problems and of course it was all a misunderstanding. He said the house would be paid up to date next payday and I we talked about getting my name off the mortgage. He said he asked them and found it wouldnt be easy. He said he bought the canoe because it was cheap and a once in a lfetime deal, then he asked when I was going to canoe with him, I said never. I also told him if my kids were ever in it they better have life jackets and helmuts one (the river is shallow and rocky in some places, it was kind of a joke) he laughed of course and said it was kayaking. I then told him if any of the kids drown I would kill him, He said my gun was still there..

Me: I know, I have a lot of stuff to get from there
Him: It would be easier to just move your stuff back in
M: Never, you have had enough time to make changes, you havent made any, things are worse.
H: Well I miss you
M: and you have showed it real well (sarcastically)

I start crying at this point and just say I have to go.

I think now I will start to fill out dissolusion papers (whatever it's called) and never look back. I think I am now over it all and him. I am still hurt that he couldnt even try.

Back to the house, I had to go in the other day because Stef fell asleep and needed woken up. THe house was absolutely fucking disguesting. Dirty, messy, gross. He said it was clean and then he started working on the kids closets!! What? I couldnt believe it, the house is so bad I should call child services and make Alicia come live with me. But I dont want her hating me and I like to think that she is old enough to make her decisions, I just hope she realizes soon that she cant live like that forever. But these two arent living there. Rhonda was suprised that I hadnt called, she thinks I should. Ack, I was surprised and actually surprised she hasnt called herself.

I am wiped and need to get over this so I can get cleaning, my house is messy but not gross. Just clothes and papers from a week of being busy.

xoxo

Just life

2006-04-18T21:40:00.000-04:00

What a week - filled with kids that arent appreciative and dont listen. Stef is grounded for the rest of the week again. I wonder how many times getting grounded it will take before she learns to listen and be home on time? I want her to be able to go to friends houses or the library or store and have fun but is it really too much to be home on time or let me know where you are?

I have been feeling really unsettled lately and I cant focus or get anything done. I need to call tomorrow and make an appt with my shrink doctor to see whats going on with me.

Sunday I leave for Atlanta returning Saturday. I am excited because I have never been to Georgia before but I am kinda bummed because I dont think I will be able to go to Savannah because it's like a five hour drive! I just wont have enough time. I could leave Sunday but the flights are either way late or way early so I figured I might as well come home Saturday night and save the hotel cost. Monday through Friday I will be in class during the day, I hope we have some fun people there! I am sad because this trip will take away some of my savings and I hate to lose any of it because I never know what is going to happen.

Dead plant teaches valuable lesson

2006-04-12T19:24:00.000-04:00

I had a revelation today that came from a dead plant.

When I moved out almost a year ago some friends sent me a plant as a housewarming gift. After years of killing plants I was genuinly afraid for this plant but I decided I would make sure it lived because it meant a lot to me. It did survive through many months and one move but shortly after the move it started to look like it was dying and one day Stef tripped on its stand and down it came tumbling. I bought new dirt and replanted it and tried to remember to water it. But it died anyways.

I decided to bring it to work to let my coworker try to make it all better since he seems to have a green thumb with his plant on his desk. After being on his desk for a couple weeks we saw green coming out through the dirt, amazing!! He decided he wanted the room back on his desk so he put it on my desk and guess what? Today we noticed the one new leaf showing has black on the tip - slowly dying!

My coworker told me that I dont give it enough attention and take care of it properly. I started to sing some corny song I made up as I went along to the plant while pulling out dead leafs and small twigs while he laughed at me. Once I got all the nasty looking stuff out I realized where I am fucking up with my kids. All I ever worry about is how things look and dont take the time to just look, talk and enjoy them without any reason. I then remember watching him water my plant and his plants and how it drove me crazy. He would slowly pour the water while moving the leafs around and poking and prodding wasting valuable minutes. But his plants grow and dont die!

With this lesson I am going to try to be more attentive and caring with my plant and kids, I think I found the missing clues.

The age of (un)reasoning

2006-04-11T21:36:00.000-04:00

I am so pissed off at Stephanie. Sunday night I told her she could walk to her friends, stay over night, whatever. As long as she called me when she left point A and then called me when she got to point B. It is spring break this week and she wants to hang with her friend, fine.

She did well yesterday and then this morning she forgot to call me when she left here to go to her Dad's, I warned her. She then forgot to call when she left for her friends, I gave her her last warning and told her next time she would be grounded for the rest of the week.

I talked to her at 6:15 tonight when she got to her Dad's house and reminded her that her friend needs to have her papers signed for 4-H tonight and that I would be there at 6:45 to pick them up to go there.

I get there to pick them up and she is no where to be found. I called her friends cell and she is at her house 3 blocks away getting the forms signed. I drove over there, picked them up and headed to the meeting. I decided to talk to her later about not calling me first until I asked her if she had some forms she had to turn in and of course, she forgot them., I then had to turn around and go back to her Dad's to get them.

I was pissed at this point because we are late and she didnt follow directions and that led to us being late. I told her, "you are grounded tomorrow!"

Now after the meeting she comes to me and says she is now leaving with friend #2 because they are having a sleepover, I tell her she isnt going because she is grounded, she grumbled about it and walked away.

I go to leave, cant find her anywhere. People tell me they saw her leave with friend #2!!

I called her and picked her up where she screamed and said I wasnt fair because I said she was grounded tomorrow and not tonight. She went on and on about Alicia and Zane never being grounded and how it is never fair!!

She was screaming and carrying on so I didnt even try to talk to her until she was done, she still doesnt understand and wont talk to me. I told her if she kept screaming she would be grounded the rest of the week, she has stopped but now wont talk.

I hate this fucking age, she has been pushing me so much lately and I have had the urge to send her back to her Dad's to live. I am so at the edge with her. But I know her attitude would get so much worse there.

Tonight Xanax is my best friend!

Spring has sprung

2006-04-09T00:11:00.000-04:00

I love spring, it is my favorite season. The birds chirping and the warmer weather makes me feel alive again. I had a nice day today, I took Zane for a bike ride while I walked. Things are really looking up lately.

I have a mad crush on a 24 year old coworker. I know it is totally crazy since I am 11 years older than him. He is young, single and doesnt have a care or worry in the world that I know of. I have so many responsibilities and problems, not to mention the few extra pounds I cant seem to lose that there is no way anything could come from this. The weird thing is I really get a vibe from him that he feels the same way about me. He often complains that I ignore him or dont talk to him and when I go into his dept he always comes to wherever I am to chat. Did I mention he is really cute? I hate having a crush that is an impossibility.

I want to discuss orgasms now. Since I havent had sex since June (oops!) I have masterbated some. I love doing it now, especially since I had only done it a few times before this last year, and even though I can climax and it feels good I always cry when it's over. I dont get it or understand why I do this. Sometimes if I let myself it will lead to an all out sob, major sobbing! This reaction stops me from masterbating much because I dont want to cry anymore! At the same time I do want to become more comfortable with my body and explore my sexuality, even alone. I want to get a vibrator and/or dildo and experiment with those too. But if I am going to keep crying I may just forget about sex all together!!!

Seven more days will be my one year anniversary of moving out, wow! I am still shocked that I did it and that I'm surviving just fine.

Nothing changes

2006-04-02T18:31:00.000-04:00

Luckily I didnt crash as hard as I did last month during PMS. Not that the last week has been roses but it wasnt hell as I have known it to be. Nothing major happened that made life hell luckily.

I finished reading Dr. Laura's book. There is a lot I can learn from it, I need to get it again and make notes, it was over a month overdue from the library, ooops. I was afraid to finish it because I wasnt sure it would help. The last chapter is full of things to do and things to stop doing. I need those things so I can type them up to read often so I can remember everything. Keeping a journal was a huge thing but not like I have been doing. I think it's supposed to be positive, as I said I need the book again. Another thing was to stop and think before I speak and realize how what I say will affect who I say it to. That I know is a huge problem with me, I constantly say things I know I shouldnt and what will hurt someone but it's hard to stop myself.

I have started reading books again for enjoyment. I just read Home of the Body Bags by Terrell Wright and A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. A Piece of Cake kept me up late reading for a few nights, last was 5am finishing it! Now I am reading Monster by Sanyika Shakur. Not sure why I am reading so many gang books lately, awhile back I read Inside the Crips by Colton Simpson. That is my favorite gang book even though he screwed up and wrote about a robbery that is being used against him and he will probably be sentanced to life. After Monster I may read Stanley Tookie William's memoir then I will be done with my gang reading.

I still feel so low overall. I still sometimes think death is the best option for me, I know everyone doesnt feel this way but I just get so tired of thinking about how to make life better for me and the kids. Not to mention how to make the kids happier to be with me. It just seems the easiest thing to do. I am trying to stay strong and find positive things to live for but it's so hard sometimes.

Alicia has a sleepover at my house last night with three of her friends. It went well for the most part. I was hurt when she left this morning. Her Dad and Zane stopped over about 2pm and she left with them to go home and to drop off one friend that was still here. She just grabbed her stuff and left. I thought I heard her say something on the porch but I was still in the house watching Zane get ready to go. I am sure she did say thanks out there but I sure didnt hear it and I thought she couldve at least hugged me and said by or something, she is usually so affectionate that way. I just IMd her and asked why and of course she said she did from the porch. I guess I could have chased after her to say bye but it also did happen so fast. Yeah it hurts but I dont want to think about it too much.

...and she crashes

2006-03-23T21:42:00.000-05:00

Yet again, the lows have hit. Everything has been going by pretty smoothly lately, I have been happy and feeling happy about life in general.

Today Zane decides he wants to move back in with Rick and I need to too. I explained to him me and daddy fought too much to love together and we are much happier living apart. He brought up a few times when we actually did have fun and said, 'see it can happen'. Funny thing is one of the things he mentioned was when we were in Virginia Beach Rick was trying to catch a jellyfish in the ocean, Funny that he remembered that. That was on the way home, once we got home it only got worse. He started crying and of course I felt like shit and even thought for a second about just moving back and living miserably to make the kids happy. But I know it's not in their best interest. So at this point I went to my room because I knew I was going to cry, and hard. Once I got up there I remembered the landlord was supposed to come to fix a water line so I came back downstairs and sat on the porch smoking. Zane came out with his rollar blades so I helped him skate for a while. That was actually very nice and he did a great job. The landlord never came.

Zane pretty much let it go for the rest of the night but I am still so troubled by it. I hate seeing him so sad but dammit, I hate when they are there. Stef also started a few days ago about moving in for the summer so I didnt have to take her there in the mornings and pick her up after work (she needs to care for the horses). I told her no too and she let it go until tonight when Zane started.

I hate having Alicia there and know I shouldve tried to make her come with but she is at the age where she can make the choice anyways so I left it to her. It still makes me so sad. Especially now.

Damn, I hate when I have these moods and I feel so horrible. I even thought earlier that if I do lose these two also I just couldnt live, I know I couldnt. I am so incredibly sad just thinking about it.

I guess it's just that time again, PMS. I wish I could just put myself in a box of cotton until this is all over, PMS that is.

I called Rick tonight to ask him if he has been talking to the kids about moving back home and he said he hadnt and wouldnt. I do believe him but I also told him his action or lack of is what is making them want to move back there. They have rules here and they dont there. Of course a kid would want to live there.

I do get sad sometimes when I talk to Rick, I remember the happy days when his voice would make me so happy and I wonder if our marriage could have been saved somehow. I dont regret moving and I dont ever want to move back there but I hate that I had to leave and he hasnt changed or tried to.

I hate feeling I have everything one minute and nothing the next.

Just another day

2006-03-09T22:06:00.000-05:00

My moods are still better, I took my Wellbutrin this afternoon and havent taken Xanax since I mentioned it days ago.

Something weird happened to me last night and I cant figure out how it happened. I was at the Y with my son for gymnastics and as we were leaving he said something and I replied in a funny/joking manner and I felt a fun connection. A guy behind us was laughing and another guy walking towards us smiled at me and said Hi. I felt human and alive. I havent felt like that in years and I dont know how to get it back.

I feel I try to play with the kids but then they start arguing and I just cant take it anymore. Tonight I told them we would play a game, S wanted to play charades and Z wanted to play Sponge Bob Life. They argued and then Z changed and said Uno, S said No so I made an executive decision and said we were playing Uno. The game start out pretty good but then S just got bored with it and was watching tv and not paying attention so she finally quit after I told her to pay attention many times. Then I quit because you just cant play Uno with two people. We then played charades and that was mostly fun. S decided she would do me sitting with the laptop smoking. I know it is the truth but it still hurts. She knows what I mostly do on here is a pt job I have at night. Next time we play games, the tv will go off.

S also pissed me off because when she did dishes, she didnt do any of the pans, just piled them on the stove. Everything with her is a struggle and I feel I am constantly nagging her and I hate it but she needs to listen and do what she's told. She wants money for the mall saturday when she goes for a lock in for the night, they can shop there also.

I am still reading the book and my eyes open wide with each page. I recommended the book to a coworker that had a horrible childhood, much worse than mine. He is very angry every day but he has to deal with his parents on a daily level, mine are many miles away.

Tomorrow night people from work are gettig together after work at a bar, I might go but I almost dont want to. I dont know for sure what other females will be there and I dont want to deal with R if I ask to leave the kids there. I am also so tired this week, I just cant get enough sleep.

Bad Childhood - Good Life

2006-03-07T22:24:00.000-05:00

I got this book at the library last week after wanting to buy it for a few weeks. I put it off because I'm afriad I will put too much faith in it and it wont help.

I am about halfway through the book and it has opened my eyes so much to how and why I act the way I do. I actually need to buy the book so I can mark pages to refer back to. I know I need to just get over myself and quit thinking about how fucked up my mind is and how life has been so horrible to me. Yes, growing up was horrible and I know many people had it so much worse than I could even imagine but somehow everything I went through has made me the person I am today; the person I dont like anymore. I hate the bitterness I so often feel and how I feel so unable to make any changes. Am I really that weak? I have always been told I am so independant but is that only a cover up for me so I couldnt get hurt by allowing someone else close to me? I dont even want to feel like I will rely on anyone, what if I get hurt, what if they fail? I cant take letdowns anymore. I constantly think so damn negatively so I wont be let down. Glass half empty? Yes, that is me. I am the most pessamistic person I know.

This book has opened my eyes to so much of me, I have laughed at some parts that hit so close to home that it was scary - I have also felt like crying and have teared up at many parts also. But it's not the normal wailing and crying that I feel myself doing oh so often. I hope the rest of the book will help me get over this battle but of course I do have some doubts. I also dont think I am depressed as diagnosed by my pyschologist, I think every part of me is so hurt by my past that I just dont feel worthy of being happy and the scariest realization I have had is that maybe I cant be? Rick actaually told me that I wouldnt be happy with him or without him, I just couldnt be happy. I aint allowed to. Why? I dont know.

My life is so much better than I ever thought it would be, Yes, it could still be better but who wouldve thought that I could be earning enough money to support myself and my kids alone and still enjoy my job most of the time? I always say it was luck that got me in this field but I need to believe that I am good at what I do and have the passion to do it well.

This is probably the most rambling post ever and I am too exhausted to even reread and spell check.

xoxo

Enough with the counting of days...

2006-03-05T20:52:00.000-05:00

I havent posted the last few days like I wanted to. Overall things have been going much better so I am thinking the massive mood change is the fault of PMS.

Friday my boss emailed me to tell me that my job is secure and he has no idea why I felt it wasnt. It seems someone went to him and told him I was worrying, as I was. The funny part is that he was surprised by that knowing of the two issues we talked about during the week.

I am still going to try to change me a little. I want to be less loud and annoying. I have been trying to do this but then people ask me what's wrong. I cant win or find the balance needed.

I kept myself busy today cleaning. I think I want to try to jog at night, I'll try tomorrow. I also need to get a plan together to eat better. I need to up the fiber, fruits & veggies and cut cholesterol as a start.

I havent taken in Xanax and have taken my Wellbutrin late in the day (ooops).

Day Three

2006-03-01T21:02:00.000-05:00

Well today didnt get any better than any other day recently. I started the day with my 450mg of Wellbutrin and then email my boss asking about the job duties issue and why I wasnt doing certain things that he was asking of my coworkers. He forwarded the email to his boss who was the one that actually had the request and he replied back to my boss which was forwarded to me. Here is there part of the email:

See attached e-mail from ****.

I too have no concerns about your ability or discretion in performing these duties. **** and I will come to you in the future.

Thanks,
***

***,

I am assuming you will respond to T, but my two cents worth if you wish to share with her:

I have absolutely no problems or issues with T. I suppose I’m not completely aware of who has what responsibilities. I know both R and T have provided me with reports and such in the past. I have absolutely no problem taking these requests to T in the future. I trust her abilities and her confidentiality. I didn’t mean to step on anyone’s toes.

Thanks,

****

Now I am glad this is cleared up but I just feel like the last line in the second email might as well have said, "tell her to quit whining already". Oh well, I feel better now, I wish I wasn't so paranoid! Soon after this was cleared up H (project mgr for the project that got taken from me, not sure how involved she was in that even though she praised me so much during for all I did) called asking if I wanted to go to a lunch meeting our company does with other companies every month, basically it's a leadership meetings for our managers and the managers can take other people. She then told me B (she is now doing the project I was doing) was going also thinking it was a positive for me because in the past we have been close at work and really still are but I just feel so jealous of her lately with this and the rest of her perfect life. I asked what it was about this month and she said, "Extreme Makeover: Do you need one?". I think I gasped allowed because she then said the topic had nothing to do with her asking me but it was an huge coincidence. I decided to go because I really do need a makeover, I hate me the way I am now.

I emailed B to verify that she was going hoping to meet up with her to go together even though we work in seperate buildings, she didnt seem interested in it so I went alone. Luckily I was followed by another coworker and we went in together and B and H sat with us at the same table. The speaker was great and the topic was right on. H asked me towards the end of the meeting what I thought of the meeting in general not knowing I had gone to them in the past. I will put some of the things I learned at the end of the post.

After I got back to my desk H called asking me what was wrong, she said I wasnt my normal excited self and of course her asking that made me break down and start to cry a little, I hated myself at that moment. She asked if it was work or home and I said mostly work and a little home and she asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her to talk, I declined because I really dont need to fall apart at lunch with a coworker. Shortly after this B emailed me asking me what was wrong and that she knew something was wrong and wanted me to honestly answer her. She said something has been wrong since we got back from FL. I put answering off as long as I could, she even called for work reasons and asked if I was going to answer her. So I just answered that I was okay and was dealing with stuff within myself and trying to deal with stuff in my head. Which is mostly true.

I basically cried at work off and on all afternoon, it sucks. I hate being such a damn crybaby. I came home and went for a nice long walk and started to feel better. I did take two Xanax after H's phone call, I dont think they helped much.

Here is some of the stuff I learned today:

First steps:

Get Advice - find someone you trust to tell you what you need to change
Make a plan - tell boss about your changes
Declare your intentions - tell boss you want a change
Educate others on your changes

How to develop the edge:

Dependability - people should be able to depend on you
trustworthiness -keeping secrets
responsibility - be responsible for your actions
communication - lack of communication with your boss is your own fault
generosity
courtesty and kindness - talk only good about others
ethics
perspective - humor and humility of self
be industrious - find reasons to do a job well done
persistance - repeating best performance

I know I need to work on numbers 6 and 8, espeically talking badly about others. I do that often because some people drive me fucking crazy. While talking to H she said she saw many of these qualities in me especially trustworthiness. I found that ironic since that was topic number one from me this morning.

I am going to try to have a better day tomorrow, I am now going to bed hoping to get some quality sleep tonight even though I am blowing off a relative I havent talked to in weeks that has called me many times today and the last week, sorry S!

Day Two

2006-02-28T21:27:00.000-05:00

I took my 450mg of Wellbutrin this morning and no Xanax, the morning seemed pretty normal so I figured I would not take them. I did feel really bloaty from PMS and still sad about losing the project but now I am trying to think about it in more positive ways. I wont have to worry about it anymore and figure out how to make the impossible happen, she can worry about it all. I don't even have the heart to finish up projects I have going. I did manage to go through the whole day without any problems but then I came home and got the call. It seems a coworker was asked to stay late and take care of something that IS one of my duties. I don't understand why he is doing my job? I do plan on scheduling a meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss this, this isn't the first time it has happened either.

This coworker is always so secretive about everything where I see us mostly as equals where if there is something I know there should be no reason to keep it from him. But he sees it differently, he keeps everything to himself and it drives me crazy. I think part of my problem is I just don't know when to shut up. I talk about the stupidest things just to talk, replay things that have happened for no reason? How do I stop this? How do I get back to being happy at my job? I just don't feel like I can continue to fight anymore. When I try to not talk about stupid shit I feel like I am sad and trying to shut out the world. I don't understand. I feel like no one likes me and I have to share things I shouldn't or don't fully know about for something to talk about. I have never shared work info outside of my dept that I shouldn't have, but things I share are mostly stupid.

I wish I knew if this was the only reason why people didn't like me and what else I could do to change and how to make these changes. How do I make myself likeable?

Right now I feel like I could cry if I would just let myself but I am tired of crying. I feel like I am always letting my kids down. I have to keep my mind going either on the computer or watching TV when they just want my time. When I do spend time with them I feel rushed and bothered and I wish I didn't. When I'm not with them I miss them terribly and wish I was with them and think of the fun things we would do together. Like this morning I was wishing it would snow so we could go play in the snow but I know if it did snow I would whine that it was too cold and think of things that needed done instead. Why? I just want to be happy! Is it that hard to be truly happy?

Day One

2006-02-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

Today I start to document my highs and lows to find out just what is causing it. Is it PMS, Wellbutrin taken too late or forgotten once, or just a crappy life.

Obviously today is a low day and has been almost all day. Typical day at work, got in and had a few service items to take care of and many people wanting something. Just to be safe I took 2 xanax along with me 450mg of Wellbutrin. I also took two Motrin before leaving home for PMS which started Sunday.

The morning went by okay but about half way through the day I got an email from my boss that all of a sudden had me in tears. It seems, and I did see it coming, that he is taking a project away from me and giving it to a programmer. This project was fun to work with and it was great to see all the positives that came from it and seeing how the users finally realized how great it really is and how much easier it will make their life. I put much of me into getting this started and now I basically have to hand it over to someone I don't feel is competent to do as good of a job. She is a programmer, I am a network admin, I don't see any difference for this project, a programmer is not needed for it. I have been emailing back and forth with my boss all day letting him know how I feel and asking him how she will fulfill some of the requests when she will need server access to servers she doesn't have a password for. I guess I get to do that part which is a small part that she will dictate.

I actually had to leave work after his second reply and drive to a nearby store to get a Sunkist, I just needed to get away and I didn't want my coworker that I share an office with to know I was upset and crying.

Besides this I have felt totally worthless today and yesterday, like everything I do is wrong and my thoughts are all evil and hateful. Why I cant just be fucking happy? Why am I such a horrible Mom and why cant I give them my time like they so desperately want. Sometimes I just think it would be better for everyone that knows me if I just wasn't here. I often think about suicide and how I would do it, I just don't know if I could go through with it. I know it would hurt people even though now I feel like no one would really give a fuck. I just get so tired of fighting with myself and don't know how to handle it.

It sucks that I feel this way today but probably come next week I will be happier, this is what always happens when I go see my psychiatrist, I think of things for weeks and when I go I am in a good mood that day and all the bad just doesn't matter anymore. And even with that she upped my Wellbutrin from 300mg to 450mg and told me to take the Xanax anytime I felt something would upset me or make feel edgy. I have been taking them more and more and I hate that I may become dependent on them even though they aren't supposed to be habit forming.

I need to lose weight, eat better, exercise and quit smoking. But I don't even try because it doesn't matter to me. I get upset getting dressed thinking how much better I would look if I lost weight but I don't care enough to do anything about it. Same with smoking, I know how bad it is but I still do it and in the house even though I said I wouldn't when I moved and didn't until it got so cold out. I hate that I know I am poisoning my kids with nicotine but I just cant make myself change it.

I really hope tomorrow is a better day.