Worst Mother Award!

Yup, I fucked up. I was working on my laptop, my part time job and stef kept complaining that she was bored... I wouldnt let her on the ocmputer or watch tv and finally she just stood up and screamed something like "it's my birthday and you FORGOT!!" and as she ran up the stairs she screamed "I know you hate me..!" oh god, It took a second for me to move and then I ran up after her and we both fell to her bed. After I bawled my 'I;m sorrys' she did the same. So all in all it worked out okay and we held eachother for many minutes. It was kind of nice. Not that I want to go through all that again to get a hug.

I remembered this morning that it was her birthday but then kind of forgot as the day went by and then I was mad after I picked her up. Ugh, We celebrated her birthday Sunday and Monday and she got her presents.I dont know how I couldve been so fucking stupid.

Hurt

I am hurting so much right now and I do want to just die. I am so tired of this constant struggle to try to be happy. This has been a bad week with the kids and I just lost it. I want to put my feelings down while they are still fresh in my mind.

Zane never wants to come home because "Daddy never makes me take a bath" and "daddy doesnt make me go to bed at 10" and on and on and on. Tonight I dropped him off at Rick's with Alicia while drove to pick up Stef at camp. On the way home Alicia called so I asked her to have her Dad drop him off in 10 minutes when I got home. Sometimes he does stay there Friday nights and then I pick him up Saturday morning because Rick is working (he just stays with Alicia). While tomorroe morning Alicia is leaving at 7am for a horse show. Zane was so mad when he got here, he wouldnt get out of the truck and he expected me to pick him up at 7am. I had already been upset for over an hour with Stef (more below) so I had no patience, I gave him two warnings and then physically drug him out of the truck. He continued to cry for over a half hour until he was hungry and wanted food. Even though it is 9pm and he said his dad took him to McD's.

Steph went to camp Wednesday and I drove her and her friend over an hour away. The friends mom was busy so she couldnt drive. I bought Stef stuff for camp: flashlight, camera, bug spray, etc.... When I dropped her off I barely got a good bye from her and when I asked for a hug, I got her back. okay... Well tonight when I picked her up she wasnt even happy to see me and when I asked how the camp was, I got nothing. When I tried again I got total attitude so I just dropped it and cried all the way home. No talking at all. I had to drive her friend home as well. I remember when I went to camp, I talked abuot camp the minute I saw my mom until I was out of things to talk about, hours later!

After we got home and got zane out of the truck, we all came in the house and Rick and Alicia started asking Stef about camp. All they got were one word answers, yes, no, yes, no... just rude. I can understand that she is probably tired but this attitude is typical all the time. After I made the ham we sat at the table and when I was done I let them know how I felt. I started with Stef and told her how she has hurt my feelings and explained why I felt that way. Then I told Zane the same thing. Well they both started crying and now Stef is in the closet and Zane is still at the table ignoring me.

I am thisclose to telling them that if they want to move with their dad, go. It hurts so much to constantly feel this way. I know that is a horrible idea because they need the consistancy I provide here. I have talked to Rick before about having NO rules at his house and how it affects life here and he promised to try harder. This is why I no longer live there. But it doesnt help any more unless the kids arent there for days.

Just dealing with life these days is getting harder and I really wonder why I even try so hard. Alicia is still herself, she always says love you but she still doesnt spend anymore time with me. I usually have to ask her to come over to if her Dad isnt around to take her anywhere. I know it is more convenient for her to just continue her life as simply as possible. I just hate that me moving out has put this huge rift between me and my kids. I feel like I am always the worst mom ever and maybe I am?

Alone again on the 4th of July

I have no plans. I dont have the kids. I knew it was coming but didnt realize I would care this much. 2 blocks away at the park will be fireworks soon and I will not be there because I dont want to go alone. As I was saying, I was okay with this earlier in the week but as the night was coming on I remembered another 4th of July I was alone.

I was 15 years old and working as a waitress at a small cafe and was scheduled to work the 5-7 dinner shift. My Mom was going to the lake with my step-dad and siblings leaving before I went to work. When the step-siblings asked why I wasnt going I told them because I had to work, we asked my mom if she would wait until 7:00 when I got done but she didnt want to get there that late, it was about an hour drive. Since it was a holiday I had to take a cab home and if I remember correctly the cafe was completly dead and I didnt make anything in tips. I was alone for three days and lonely as hell. I dont know why at this point in my life I was friendless but I obviously was.

I think tonight just brought out all the memories of the times I was alone as a kid when my Mom was putting her men before her kids. We spent a lot of weekends home alone before and after she hooked up with my stepdad, probably from when I was 13 and up. Some weekends I did have fun with friends though so it wasnt all bad. But looking back I hate that she left me alone so much.

I need to get my brain in order and start looking for a life and more friends.

I need to go to work and get some food (I'm starving!) but if I leave I will probably lose my parking spot. I should also clean because I have SO much to do but I just dont have any ambition to clean, at all.

I am not going to cry tonight anymore.

Drunk

Yes, I am drunk and being drunk has driven me to post about my shitty life. I am lonely and I hate it, Sometimes I think I would have been better off never moving out and being miserable there at least I wouldve looked happy and content instead of actually proving that no one else out there wants me. I swear I will be alone forever. There is one man I do like and think maybe it could work. One problem? He had dated like my only friend and it didnt work out, he basically dum ped her. Aand even though that she has moved on and is seeing someone else, she isnt over him and she wont be for a long time and never would be okay with me ever datinf him.

Mayve someday I will either die or be happy. I got an appt with my dr for a month from now (ya) hopefuly I can get more drugs to make me feel better about myself and my life since now it looks completely hopeless. I just need to feel loved. truly loved. and i doubt it will eve rhappen.

Just Another Manic Monday

Wow, I guess it's been awhile since I have been here.

I am so tired of trying to make life work, should it really be this difficult to be happy? I guess when Rick said I would never be happy, he was right. I sometimes look at my life and am so happy at where I am and other times I just dont even want to move, just stay in bed for days.

I always felt I needed to get rid of the stress in my life to be happy but I am finding that when I do that I have nothing left, no one. I just dont even know what to type here anymore without everything I saw being repetative so I will just jot down what has happened lately.

I saw this morning in my email that Rick has started to look for women on the sex site, even put up pictures! None of his face, he used an actors, and the pictures wont get larger than an inch to see if it is him. I dont know how it could be because he doesnt know how to get pictures off a digital camera and he would have to use Alicia;s to do it. Ack, he better not have! Tonight I saw he made a profile on a regular dating site and had sent me a ton of messages/emails. One even said to meet him in the mall at a certain place. I know he knew it was me by things I had put in the profile but I dont think he knew that I would know it was him. What pissed me off is that I hadnt logged into that site in many months but it showed me as logging in recently. No way, no how. Not to say I havent been looking, it has been over a year, but I just havent seen anything worth it and I doubt I am ready or will be anytime soon. The first site was as crude as I remembered it and his messages to people about made me sick. Ugh.

I fired my sister today from babysitting, it was hard to do and I am glad it's over. I did it over email which I know is totally cowardly but I didnt want to get into an argument and have to argue about shit that I feel strongly about. Z will start at his new sitters next Monday, R was off last week and will be this week also.

I am also starting to think that I am not depressed but I am manic. My moods are all over the place and I am wonderful at flying off the handle and totally letting go. I need to get back to my doctor but I keep putting the phone call off like everything else I put off in my life. I so wish I could just snap out of it but I dont know how to.

Yah, it's been awhile

Everything has been just fine lately. Not perfect, just fine. Spring was here and it was so nice to be outside, now comes the rain for the next 10 days. Blah!

Well I fell apart a little today. After work I called Alicia to see if Stef was there and to see what Alicia was doing this weekend. She answered the phone sounding asleep/crabby so that converstation didnt get far because she wouldnt wake up. Why was she sleeping at 5pm? I dont know either.

I get to my sisters and Stef comes running to the van pounding on the window because the door was still locked. When she opened the door she screamed that she forgot her BS was picking her up at 4:30 and she was devastated that she missed it. I gave her my cell and she called her and they rescheduled for Tuesday.

She said she got to her Dad's after school and saw the electricity was off and found out that Rick didnt pay the bill. Imagine that? I wasnt shocked but I was upset. Things like that just bring back so many bad memories. Now if I had still lived there I wouldve had to use the $260 bonus check I just received plus drain my checking account to nothing until payday next Friday and wonder how I would eat and get gas. I dont understand how he cant manage his money better. Stef then tells me she saw a canoe she thinks he bought!! Fucker. I accidently made a remark aloud the kids heard or I guess I meant for them to hear and to answer, "do you guys understand now why I had to move?" Bad, yes I know that and I usually try not to. Stef said she has always knows and she feels we are better off now and how she remembers when she was younger we were never able to go out to eat or just get fast food. Well that made me feel good and bad, yes I can take them out to eat but no i dont have them time too much to cook. Ooops, I should work on that.

I got home and it was bothering me to high hell about the canoe. I was suppose to call his sister yesterday to tell her how my appt went (I will get into that later) but I forgot. I updated her and then just kind of threw the question in as an afterthought if she knew about it. She didnt. THen she went on a tirade that he called their Dad wanting his credit card number to pay the over $400 due on the bill to get it turned back on. She was fucking livid. She makes little money and she has always had to depend on herself while her Dad is constantly giving the other sister money and now Rick. She said it's gas money all the time. Fucking crazy. He makes good money, I dont understand why he cant budget better. So we bitched back and forth for quite awhile I cried and got upset all over again and she sympathized with me and it felt so good to just talk to her all about it. But now I am reliving everything and it fucking hurts. I wanted to make this work.

What timing, he just called. I questioned him all about the bills and of course he made everything sound just fine and dandy. There were no problems and of course it was all a misunderstanding. He said the house would be paid up to date next payday and I we talked about getting my name off the mortgage. He said he asked them and found it wouldnt be easy. He said he bought the canoe because it was cheap and a once in a lfetime deal, then he asked when I was going to canoe with him, I said never. I also told him if my kids were ever in it they better have life jackets and helmuts one (the river is shallow and rocky in some places, it was kind of a joke) he laughed of course and said it was kayaking. I then told him if any of the kids drown I would kill him, He said my gun was still there..

Me: I know, I have a lot of stuff to get from there
Him: It would be easier to just move your stuff back in
M: Never, you have had enough time to make changes, you havent made any, things are worse.
H: Well I miss you
M: and you have showed it real well (sarcastically)

I start crying at this point and just say I have to go.

I think now I will start to fill out dissolusion papers (whatever it's called) and never look back. I think I am now over it all and him. I am still hurt that he couldnt even try.

Back to the house, I had to go in the other day because Stef fell asleep and needed woken up. THe house was absolutely fucking disguesting. Dirty, messy, gross. He said it was clean and then he started working on the kids closets!! What? I couldnt believe it, the house is so bad I should call child services and make Alicia come live with me. But I dont want her hating me and I like to think that she is old enough to make her decisions, I just hope she realizes soon that she cant live like that forever. But these two arent living there. Rhonda was suprised that I hadnt called, she thinks I should. Ack, I was surprised and actually surprised she hasnt called herself.

I am wiped and need to get over this so I can get cleaning, my house is messy but not gross. Just clothes and papers from a week of being busy.

xoxo

Just life

What a week - filled with kids that arent appreciative and dont listen. Stef is grounded for the rest of the week again. I wonder how many times getting grounded it will take before she learns to listen and be home on time? I want her to be able to go to friends houses or the library or store and have fun but is it really too much to be home on time or let me know where you are?

I have been feeling really unsettled lately and I cant focus or get anything done. I need to call tomorrow and make an appt with my shrink doctor to see whats going on with me.

Sunday I leave for Atlanta returning Saturday. I am excited because I have never been to Georgia before but I am kinda bummed because I dont think I will be able to go to Savannah because it's like a five hour drive! I just wont have enough time. I could leave Sunday but the flights are either way late or way early so I figured I might as well come home Saturday night and save the hotel cost. Monday through Friday I will be in class during the day, I hope we have some fun people there! I am sad because this trip will take away some of my savings and I hate to lose any of it because I never know what is going to happen.

Dead plant teaches valuable lesson

I had a revelation today that came from a dead plant.

When I moved out almost a year ago some friends sent me a plant as a housewarming gift. After years of killing plants I was genuinly afraid for this plant but I decided I would make sure it lived because it meant a lot to me. It did survive through many months and one move but shortly after the move it started to look like it was dying and one day Stef tripped on its stand and down it came tumbling. I bought new dirt and replanted it and tried to remember to water it. But it died anyways.

I decided to bring it to work to let my coworker try to make it all better since he seems to have a green thumb with his plant on his desk. After being on his desk for a couple weeks we saw green coming out through the dirt, amazing!! He decided he wanted the room back on his desk so he put it on my desk and guess what? Today we noticed the one new leaf showing has black on the tip - slowly dying!

My coworker told me that I dont give it enough attention and take care of it properly. I started to sing some corny song I made up as I went along to the plant while pulling out dead leafs and small twigs while he laughed at me. Once I got all the nasty looking stuff out I realized where I am fucking up with my kids. All I ever worry about is how things look and dont take the time to just look, talk and enjoy them without any reason. I then remember watching him water my plant and his plants and how it drove me crazy. He would slowly pour the water while moving the leafs around and poking and prodding wasting valuable minutes. But his plants grow and dont die!

With this lesson I am going to try to be more attentive and caring with my plant and kids, I think I found the missing clues.